dance the dance

i let go. it's odd how i am hurting a great lot since yesterday. and it's the first day of the year. but, i guess, i can live this down. i was happy when am told that who i am before we met does not matter. this whole thingy came down to what i resolved on my january 1 prayer. that i be beautiful in God's good, acceptable, and perfect ways. 1 peter 3:3-4. maybe i don't need to belong to anyone at the moment to make whole of myself. but, maybe wut i needed (even if i think it not) are friends. a friend who is saved and will help me out despite the glaring fact that my sins are seeking me out.. when mark told me to read 2 corinthians 4- treasures from jars of clay. i know that i am accepted regardless of the 4 years of drunken partying and thoughtless things that i thought would not come with consequences. it so happened that most of them things now have consequences. my swearing, my being impatient, my snapping, make my Christian walk an uphill climb and i struggle. i hyperventilated and cried. january 1 and 2. consecutive crying. and asking why. at times my brilliant mind doesn't help at all. to people, what i might be going through now is trifle but, at times my pettiness gives way to enormous life lessons. i'm honestly going to be well. without the sunday's ball game and the treats and the bible studies. i'm okay. some gals in the city would've gone thru this as well. "Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." Rilke.